Less Mom Guilt, More Mom Ambivalence

I love my baby more than anything, but...

As a mom, my confession about motherhood was something like, 'I love my baby more than anything, but I also feel really overwhelmed and I don't enjoy being a mom all the time.' As a psychologist I've heard it frequently from other mothers — usually whispered with shame and guilt, as if admitting to a terrible secret. Today, I want to talk about something that new research confirms is not only normal but addressing it may actually be essential to maternal wellbeing: ambivalence in motherhood.

What Is Maternal Ambivalence?

Maternal ambivalence is the simultaneous experience of opposing feelings about motherhood — profound love alongside frustration, fulfillment alongside loss, joy alongside resentment. It's not a character flaw or a sign of being a 'bad mother.' Rather, it's a natural response to one of life's most significant transitions.

A growing body of research (e.g., Chapman & Gubi, 2022; Raneberg & MacCallum, 2022) has found that maternal ambivalence is common and normal. Further, creating space for mothers to acknowledge and process these conflicting feelings results in significant improvements in their wellbeing and satisfaction with motherhood.

Yes, that's right — contrary to popular belief, moms who admit to not loving every minute of motherhood may be more satisfied overall with motherhood! Simply by giving yourself space to have the range of normal human emotion as a mom is good for your well-being. And what's good for your well-being is usually best for baby.

Why We Don't Talk About It

Our culture perpetuates the myth of the blissfully self-sacrificing mother who experiences nothing but joy in her new role. Social media intensifies this pressure, showcasing highlight reels of maternal bliss while the messy, complicated emotions remain hidden.

This silence creates a dangerous isolation. When we believe we're the only ones experiencing ambivalence, we internalize shame that can contribute to postpartum depression and anxiety.

The Therapeutic Power of Naming Our Truth

Research confirms what I've observed in our community spaces at tara: when mothers are given permission to voice their ambivalence in a non-judgmental environment, something transformative happens. By naming these feelings — 'I love being your mother AND I sometimes miss my independence' — we integrate these seemingly contradictory experiences into a more authentic, sustainable motherhood.

Moving Beyond the Either/Or Mentality

At tara, we encourage mothers to embrace the 'both/and' of motherhood:

• You can both adore your child AND need time away • You can be grateful for your baby AND grieve your pre-baby life • You can find motherhood fulfilling AND mind-numbingly tedious at times

These aren't contradictions — they're the complex texture of authentic motherhood.

Remember, acknowledging ambivalence doesn't diminish your love for your child. Rather, it creates space for a more honest, sustainable relationship with motherhood — one that allows both you and your family to truly thrive.